Perfectionism + People-Pleasing + Good-Girl/Nice-Woman Rules
Do you know this "trifecta" that leaves so many women feeling vaguely dissatisfied, resentful, and trapped in their seemingly "good-enough" life?
The thing is, we women didn't create this trifecta - and you are not at fault if you've fallen into its trap.
But if you want to feel more authentic & free & joyful & healthy - you DO have to understand how it's impacting you and how to begin to unlock its vice grip on your life.
I know that sounds dramatic, but I promise you, it's not.
If you're operating with perfectionism or people-pleasing or following the good-girl rules set out by our culture, then you are likely experiencing only a fraction of the joy + abundance + connection + vitality that is your birthright and within your reach. Really.
Here are some of the ways I see the trifecta creating a vice grip on the women I know & work with :
The "I'm not good enough" mantras: This inner "mean" voice tells you things like: You don't deserve to have what you want; you can never have that; no man will ever really love you; you've messed up on being a perfect (mom, wife, friend, human) - how dare you try something else; you're not good enough'; you'll get rejected; you'll be judged; you'll fail; who do you think you are; you're too fat; you're not smart enough; and on and on and on...
Constant stress, full-bodied exhaustion or disease: When we're stuck in people-pleasing - because we are so afraid of disappointing others or being considered "selfish," - then we often find ourselves stuck on the never-ending treadmill of taking care of kids, work and a mile-long to-do list. There is no time for true rest and gentle ease. Just stress. (And yes, your body is paying a price).
A deep soul hunger: When you are holding back because you're afraid to fail or afraid to disappoint others or afraid of being judged, you hold yourself back from the things you TRULY crave. When we try to "fill up" with temporary "soothers," it doesn't actually fill the gaping hunger in our soul.
A low-level anxiety or depression: You are watching time tick by and you KNOW there's more you want to do/have/be. You try to pretend it's not important, and then wonder where the anxiety or feelings of "blah" are coming from. Sister, I am telling you: I see you. It IS depressing when we feel we are being someone else's version of our SELVES. You deserve more (and I know you can have it).
Resentment & underlying anger: This is a hard one for "good girls" to acknowledge ("who me, angry?!! I LOVE over-giving and taking the scraps for myself" 😉 but it's there. I promise you. You might not want to acknowledge it, but others around can feel the energy that seeps out. (Yes, your kids CAN feel it too). This is one of the biggest things that can impact our relationships.
Chronic Issues around either money or body image/eating OR relationships OR purpose (or all of them!): YUP - it's true. For many women, struggles with money, body image, relationships & sense of purpose have roots in people-pleasing, perfectionism and trying to be "good." You show me your struggle, and I can show you where you have likely abandoned yourself in order to be "good" or do "the right" thing (those damn "shoulds"); where perfectionism is rearing its ugly head or where you're hiding because you don't want to disappoint someone else.
(And this is just the short list:)
I see some version of people-pleasing/being "NICE" to the point of self-abandonment/perfectionism every single day, among women of all walks of life (very often, highly-educated, smart women, who have SO much in their lives and can not figure out WHY they have this gnawing feeling that something is missing.
And it's time for us to change this. Right now. Seriously. WHY would you want to spend even one more day holding back on YOUR joy/abundance/vitality/fullness - from your SELF and from the world? Aren't you tired of not letting your fullest self shine and feel free & fulfilled?
WHY would you want to spend even one more day holding back on YOUR joy/abundance/vitality/fullness - from your SELF and from the world?